Emotions Run Deep

I express myself better in written words than in spoken; maybe that is why people tend to take me for granted. Just because I don’t express myself in spoken words. Well, I do (like how annoyingly talkative I am), but these are different thoughts. If I were to ask others to describe me, they would probably say I’m outspoken and loud, or I’m always outgoing, or I’m an extrovert. It is probably true because I have never shown my true emotions to anyone, not even my closest loved ones. Maybe they understand my feelings and tantrums, but nobody has seen my deepest emotions. At times, I may talk to God or cry myself to sleep, but I have never shared them with anyone. I guess I am a people pleaser after all and by showing my emotions, it exposes a sensitive side of me which I might not be ready to share with others. In fact, this is probably the first time I am actually revealing them. So here it goes!

This semester has really been a hell of a roller coaster ride for me. It’s not just because the subjects are tough, but rather you get people who keep disappointing you, again and again. But thanks to them, this is my biggest lesson learnt – to not have people as groupmates just because you are friends with them; not even those that you thought you truly understand. It's better to work with others who can actually get things done or to work with incapable strangers then get pissed at them, rather than working with incapable friends and not being able to shoot them "for friendship sake". Time after time, they give you crappy last minute work and you have to handle all the other bullshits for them. Like for crying out loud, you are a freaking 22–year–old who will be in the working world in a year. Are you expecting a miracle to happen that you are able to “mature” overnight, transiting from your studies into work, with this shitty mindset?

I have kept silent for most of the time; ranting and complaining to others sometimes to get the load off my chest. But to be honest, all these frustrations and stress have seriously taken a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. People would say “be strong, girl” or “hang in there”; do they actually understand what it means to be in my shoes? I know they meant well but nobody has a freaking idea on how exasperated I am. So finally, I broke down. Sitting down in a corner in front of one of the empty shops, tears just flow down. I think the last time I’d cried this hard was at my grandpa’s funeral. But I guess it was good for me as well because it definitely feels better to just vent out everything cooped inside of me. I was sitting there for more than an hour, feeding mosquitoes and whatnot, just giving myself some me time, which I think I pretty much deserve. After all, I sacrificed my sleep and my health to these undeserving bastards who gave no effort in anything. I guess it is time to rethink about these people whom I defined as “friends”. Even people who are not as close to me were actually concerned and asked how am I doing. And yet, these “friends” hurt me instead. What irony.

To be honest, this has never struck me before because I have always been blessed with friends who invest the same into our friendship. Friends who cherish each other and would actually work to keep a friendship going no matter how far apart we are physically. But life is a bitch, so maybe this is a big wake up call for me. A huge reminder that people whom you trust can actually just break that trust so easily, or maybe I should not place any hopes and expectations at the first place. We are only flesh and bones anyway.

So there, I’m done expressing myself. This is written in like 10 minutes, so don’t judge.